I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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