He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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