im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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