My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
