I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
