I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
