i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
We are all done wearing pants today
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
