i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Is Oprah even human
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
