I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
