my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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