yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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