Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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