turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
