the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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