I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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