Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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