Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
what day is it and did you see me today?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
