Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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