I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
