Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
