So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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