I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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