This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
