You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
