Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Don't tell me you're on acid again
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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