All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
i now understand why vodka
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
