Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
