She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
