I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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