I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
it was like eating out sand paper
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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