Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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