im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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