Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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