she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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