Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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