What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
