Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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