I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
