Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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