I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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