They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
