She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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