My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
