Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
