there was a trapeze. enough said
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
