somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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