The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I wish you could order shots online.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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