my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
