Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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