It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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