You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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